6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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