I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm going to jail i love you
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I think people are normalizing furries
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
