when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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