we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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