she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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