she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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