Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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