Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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