M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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