i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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