talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
