I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you will always have a special place in my vag
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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