Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
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My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize