we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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