It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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