Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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