if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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