its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
