i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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