she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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