his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
