Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
