I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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