I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
