I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i would punch a child for taco bell
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
