he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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