Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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