Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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