In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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