So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she peed on how many people?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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