Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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