Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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