I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
