It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
