So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
