it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
