The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I love you.
Bad choice
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