420 ftw
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
