Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just had sex on a roof
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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