Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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