I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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