Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
