dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
