Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
