I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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