Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
