I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Randomize
