and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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