so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
