1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
