Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
