Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
