Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
