Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
