am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I need to calm my uterus...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
