glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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