I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Randomize
