i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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