I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
