She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
are you so shy because you have an std?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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